Being independent of you does not mean I don't love you. - IG Post

The Solo-Polyam Fiasco

Protecting one's autonomy and independence is essential to a solo polyam person. Unfortunately, the pursuit of an independent lifestyle is frowned upon in intimate relationships, especially where romance is concerned. The polyamorous community is just as guilty as the monogamous community of promoting co-dependency in relationships, and this is reflected in the stigma against solo polyam people. Following the relationship escalator, nesting, mixing finances, and creating nuclear polyam families are considered the norm or expected in some form or fashion. Even if a solo-polyamorous person is okay with doing any of the things above, there may be adverse reactions to how they choose to do it. If they choose to nest with a partner but have no interest in sharing funds or getting married - this can be seen as a slight against the relationship.


Are you doing this so you can leave us one day?


Autonomy is not a red flag.

Sometimes autonomy can be seen as a threat to commitment. Feeling this way can result from trauma, codependency, desire/intent to control, or mental illness symptoms. Regardless of where this stems from - autonomy is not always a red flag. Autonomy is essential to solo polyamorists and, if anything, enriches their relationships with others. If there is a lot of pushback or expectations of compromise on a solo polyamorist's autonomy, it can create strife in the polycule. Depending on the solo polyam person, they may unwillingly compromise or choose the leave the relationship entirely. Autonomy as a whole does not negate the validity of commitment. Sometimes what people think is commitment is the budding seeds of a codependent abusive relationship.


Autonomy can be unique.

Another hiccup that affects solo polyamorists when it comes to their autonomy is the idea that ALL solo polyam people desire the same type of autonomy. The community will generalize solo polyamorists off one experience or what they have observed from others. Some solo polyamorists are married - but live separately. Some solo polyamorists have children with their partners. Some solo polyamorists share the same home but separate rooms. Some solo polyamorists may "crowdfund" for a shared experience but keep their individual bank accounts. Understand that every person's idea of autonomy is different. that doesn't mean you should expect theirs to change, however.


Respect my autonomy; you may learn from it.


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