I'm Monogamous - IG Post

So, I've realized that I may just be monogamous...


it happens.

You may have explored polyamory or dating polyamorously, and then you realize, whether it was over time or overnight, that you aren't polyamorous. This realization can surface feelings of relief, frustration, peace, shame, or grief. Some of you are involved in polyamorous relationships with multiple people realizing this, which makes "reverting" back to monogamy even more difficult.


don't data dump.

Whether it be trauma or disappointment, when some people realize they are not polyamorous, they tend to dump everything they learned about polyamory and relationships. There is value in knowledge. You may have learned new terms and skills to apply to your future monogamous relationships. One way to not dump everything you learned, especially out of trauma or disappointment, is to give yourself time to process what happened. It is not realistic to go over all of your mistakes and discomfort in a few days. It may help to write out objective concepts learned that had nothing to do with any negative experiences you had. And even still, you do not have to apply those immediately. The concepts can sit in a journal until you are ready to digest.


you didn't fail.

Polyamory isn't a competition to be won, nor is it the pinnacle of love. If you were poly-curious/exploring, the whole point of your journey was to figure out if polyamory was ideal for you. At no point in that journey should you have positioned polyamory above monogamy or even as a personal goal. The goal was self-fulfillment and understanding. So you did not fail; you succeeded in finding what works best for you.


I'm in a relationship!

If you are in a relationship, whether with one or multiple polyamorous people - you're probably obligated to inform them of these changes. Remember that you don't have to PROVE your monogamy, nor do you have to stay in any type of intimate relationship with someone just because you were previously dating. Ethically, the same way you have a right to leave any relationships you were in, polyamorous people reserve the right to do the same. Even if you only date one polyamorous person, they may have a firm boundary against dating monogamous people. The whole process of communicating a change in one's love style can be emotionally draining and painful. Refrain from making serious decisions related to relationships in the middle of heavy emotion. If these people are important to you, see if they will be willing to explore different types of commitment and intimacy. Once again, this is a sensitive subject and probably should not be brought up in the middle of a breakup. Also, consider that some polyamorists may feel this is a downgrade or an attempt to "use" them. Value the feelings of those who care about you but set boundaries for how long you plan to stay on the subject. Mulling over something for a long time can create trauma and resentment.


be open-minded to your options.

Maybe you have one partner that you connect well with, so well that this is someone you do not want to stop dating. Fun fact - monogamous people can date polyamorous people. Intimate proximity to a polyamorous person does not mean you have to be polyamorous AND vice versa. If this is something you would like to explore, do not be afraid to express this. Your partner may feel the same and not want to lose a relationship because of an orientation difference.

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