"Why is everyone bashing couples?" is a carousel posted on Marjani Lane's IG page. This is the all text version of all of the slides.
At some point you may have heard a non-monogamous person dating as a couple say - "why is everyone always bashing couples?!" And for this person, whether it is someone saying they don't date couples to "no unicorn hunting" policies - they believe they are being bashed. is their experience valid or blown out of proportion?
Bashing - to violently physically assault someone or in this case, criticize severely. There is definitely, according to the definition, examples of polyam couple bashing - yes, there is severe criticism towards couples in the community. But which couples? and what is the community criticizing? and does this mean couples are being marginalized?
What's Actually Happening...
Couples are being held accountable for their couple's privilege, unicorn hunting, and other forms of unethical polyamorous relationship pursuit. And while some couples may feel wrongfully targeted - there needs to be an understanding of why there is so much severe criticism focused around couples dating together in polyamory. Does this targeting negatively affect their romantic pursuit?
What Can Couples Do?
While it may not be fair for every couple to bear the burdens of toxic couples before them, we cannot ignore the fact abusive behavior is happening in the community. When people are sharing their trauma they may say they never want to date a couple again - that's their prerogative. Is not a couple's job to hop in and chime "not all couples are bad" or "couples are always getting bashed" - why say that to a traumatized person?
1- LISTEN
There may be an opportunity for you to find out something you may be guilty of doing. If the criticism is constructive - just listen. It may be difficult to hear something you are guilty of - especially if it is affecting your pursuit. Do not be afraid to asks questions for clarification if the opportunity arises.
2- MOVE ON
If you are in a space that has no couple representation or interests in supporting couples in non-monogamy education and experience - leave. If the space violently bashes couples all the time - and not just the posts/comments you see, as in the culture of the space is anti-couple...LEAVE. You do not have to subject yourself to anti-couple spaces.
3- STOP NEGATING THEIR EXPERIENCE
There is something unsettling about announcing "not all couples", "not us", and "stop bashing couples" when someone is sharing their experiences. It is obviously not all couples - but IT IS ENOUGH COUPLES. do not hijack someone's moment to heal and educate because your ego was triggered. It also doesn't sound very convincing to assure people you are a good couple either.
One last thing...
In polyamory especially - couple focused (or triad built from a couple) popular culture, representation, education and support rules the community. When couples exclaim they are being marginalized it really reflects on their lack of awareness of privilege in a society that benefits them - even in non-monogamy. Please check your privilege.