You're Using Other Relationships as a Distraction - IG Post

some of you are procrastinating from handling big problems in your relationships by using your other relationships as distractions.


Meaning, you may opt to spend more time or "escape" to another partner in the middle of a disagreement or when you do not feel like confronting a serious issue. This is not to be confused with simply seeking a different pace or change of environment. Nor does it mean finding safe spaces to cool down to get away from abuse. You may do this subconsciously without even realizing it or deliberately. And while it is understandable that you may want to come back to the issue later - nonconsensual using other relationships to distract yourself from a problem can lead to even more significant issues.


They will notice.

At some point, the partner(s) you flock to during strife in other relationships will notice - especially if that stressed relationship is one with nesting partner(s) or primaries. You may slip up and let them know you are in the middle of a fight or procrastinating a much-needed discussion. They may also notice you appear agitated when speaking about the stressed relationship. Your other partners may not realize it immediately, but it can create significant issues when they do. They may feel hurt and betrayed that you would utilize time with them to avoid dealing with other relationships. It may make them feel like you invalidated their time and intimacy. They could feel empathy for their metamour and scold you for abandoning that partner when things need to be discussed. If you're unlucky, you may have a partner who would weaponize that to manipulate a closer relationship and/or get their metamour(s) out of the picture.


How to stop it.

You have to be aware you are doing this before you can put a stop to it. Think over the times you've had a conflict with a partner and what you did during that time. Did you distract yourself by booking multiple dates with a partner you would usually only see once a week? Perhaps you spammed their phone with selfies after an argument with another partner? Or maybe you used the time allotted for intimacy (date night, cuddling, bonding over a hobby, s-x, etc.) to think about managing what was going on in another relationship. You may have had a partner or two catch on to you doing this and ask if you were using them as a distraction. Once you've figured out what you are doing - the next is to figure out what is a healthier coping mechanism for taking a break from a complicated conversation or relationship problems. What does that look like without using other relationships as your coping mechanism?


take time alone.

Be intentional about taking some time for yourself to process complex issues going on in other relationships. That may mean letting partners know loosely what is going on and expressing you want to manage this situation before hanging out with them.


ask for consent.

Maybe you just need to clear your mind with another partner - but ask for their consent. It is unlikely that your partners want to find out that their bodies, emotions, or resources were used as a distraction from another relationship. Some may be okay with being that outlet.


hash it out.

Depending on the situation, some things need to be handled immediately. Procrastination can increase anxiety, weaken relationships, and let something get swept under the rug. Set a time/place to get through a tough topic.


review your relationships.

Something must be said about someone who utilizes intimate relationships to get away from responsibilities in other relationships - especially if those other relationships are with primaries. Do you value the people you are with or see them as tools? If they are transactional-based relationships - are all parties aware?

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