I'm Monogamous Pt.2 - IG Post

What do I do with my community and relationships now that I am monogamous?


It may not feel good.

Being a poly-curious/exploring person in a polyamorous relationship who has realized they are actually monogamous can be detrimental. You may be faced with having to end one or more relationships while simultaneously transitioning back into monogamy. This can affect your access to people you've connected with since joining the community (metamours, platonic connections, activity groups, etc.). You may end up also losing valuable connections. Mourning the loss of relationships, community, and a possible identity can take a lot out of someone.


What's your plan?

If you are in one or more intimate relationships - you need to decide if any of those relationships are ones you would like to keep. You may be open to changing the type of relationship (emotionally intimate to platonic or s-xual). You may want to continue dating one of the individuals you are with. No matter how you spin it, someone may feel like their feelings and relationship with you are being disposed of. Your plan of being open-minded to the transition of a relationship may not be as attractive to a polyamorous partner. While it may not be the plan to offend, people are entitled to their feelings.

Knowing what you are open to before approaching them may help salvage some relationships. All the same, as a monogamous person, do not feel you have to be open to this to keep people around.


Accept rejection.

It can be a painful experience to discover that the person you have been building an intimate relationship with is now monogamous. Regardless of your stance on staying connected with those partners, you must accept potential rejection. Someone may be uninterested in having a mono partner or "downgrading" their relationship. No one has to keep dating or engaging with you on any level just because you are open to that space. You must be open to rejection and respectfully accept the boundaries. This rejection can happen beyond intimate relationships. Some non-monogamous spaces may no longer be available for you to receive support or camaraderie. Make sure you have set yourself up with a support system during this time since those spaces may* no longer accept you.


You don't have to prove it.

There is no burden of proof when it comes to acknowledging that you are monogamous. If anyone challenges you or tries to make you "prove" it - it is time to end that conversation. This can quickly turn into manipulation, devaluation, and an argument. If someone uses your relationships or prior experiences to prove you are not monogamous, remind them that you are entitled to changing your love style, the same way they probably changed theirs to monogamy, despite their prior relationships.


Proactive is best.

Being proactive is best when you start feeling like you want to transition back to monogamy. Even if you are unsure about those feelings, let the people you are involved with know. Be clear that you aren't looking for someone to change your mind but want to offer transparency in case something changes. However, while being proactive is best, sometimes situations require you to take more time to process what you are thinking and feeling. If you feel unsafe even telling someone you are considering monogamy, the priority should be to access if you are in an abusive relationship and how you must get out of that situation first. Being proactive requires feeling safe and secure in doing so. It also means being aware that some people may react and feel unsettled until you figure out where you are as it relates to polyamory. Regardless, it allows people to consent, support, and prepare for changes.

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