We Found Our Wife - IG Post

The Scenario

A married polyamorous couple announces that after about 2 months of searching they found their wife. You ask for clarity on if they really mean the word "wife". They verify happily that yes, they have found their wife after a few months of dating.


The Issue

Is there an issue with a couple finding a "wife" in a short time period? Yes and no. Some people find their spouse in months and are able to maintain a happy, long-term relationship with that person. However it seems with polyamory, some couples dating with the intent to find a spouse go straight into the heavy committed relationship. Beyond the fact that there is no transitional period of getting know someone and build a relationship - throwing out words like husband, wife, spouse can be bait for polyam newbies looking for meaningful connections. Of course many will see being a wife an upgrade to being a girlfriend...and while they are named a wife, there is no proposal, ring, or wedding like the wife in the couple received...


Lowering Standards?

Are the people doing this lowering their standards/expectations just to find a partner? Are the new "wives" (spouses, husbands) accepting the title with little to no forms of commitment? Would this be something either party would accept in a monogamous relationship? Was it something they would have accepted for their own relationship with each other? And while it can be argued that not everyone wants these traditional things - in these situations, these are typically traditional people who had the proposal and the wedding. Are relationships with a new lover devalued to the point they can have the title - but not the experience? What's the rush?


Why Should We Care?

Truth be told - for the most part it's none of your business. However in the community, we must pay attention to trends like this and wonder what is going on for couples to announce they are seeking a spouse, then find a spouse after a few months...and then usually, these relationships fail and they are back on the prowl for another spouse within days of a break-up. What is really going on? While we cannot control the way people date - we can suggest healthier ways to navigate the dating scene. we can challenge these concepts. We must also do what we can to help prevent polyam newbies (solo & single) from getting baited by words like "wife", "husband", and "spouse" without setting boundaries and standards for themselves. This can help prevent them from becoming victims to potential predators.


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