top of page

Words Have Meaning

"we are looking to build..." & "looking for our queen..."

Regurgitating the same lines as every other couple when seeking a potential partner in the polyam community seems to be the running trend.

This lack of originality can be rooted in misogyny, hypersexualization, and a severe misunderstanding of capitalism.

While some of these seeking ads and intros are exclusive to the Black polyam community in general (due to AAVE), everyone can benefit from seeing how they introduce themselves, which can be alarming or a turn-off to a potential lover.

"We Are Looking To Build"

Build what? What are you trying to build, and why is that the introduction?

When getting into a relationship, most people intend to build a meaningful relationship, financial freedom/wealth, and a family...

So why is that the introduction?

Are you waiting to find another partner to "start" building? Or is this something you have already started doing/completed?

Are you saying "build" to validate your reasoning for being polyamorous?

Some people will start with this line to validate their choice to be polyamorous. The issue with validating your polyamory is to whom or for what are you doing this?

Why must you validate your reasoning or identity to those around you? Sometimes, this can come off as insecure, insincere, and manipulative.

It can also come off as bait for those new looking for connections.

(alt text on slide five: vector style illustration of a brown-skinned woman with long pink straight hair and pale green lipstick standing to the left of a speech bubble. her mobility device is a a set of pale green forearm crutches, and she is wearing a yellow off-the-shoulder short-sleeved shirt and pink skirt. the speech bubble beside her says: "oh, we are seeking another partner because 3 incomes are better than 2 or 1.")

"Then get a roommate or business partner..."

See how easily saying something like that to validate your search for a lover could go left?

What You Could Say

You can express what you seek without saying the same thing as every other person trying to create a triad or date a polyamorous person.

This requires understanding that the premise of polyamory is not to fight capitalism or "keep families together," although this can be a byproduct.

If wealth building and financial literacy are vital, you can still include that in an intro about yourself(selves).

These are also qualities you can figure out as you vet people. They do not have to be the upfront "bait," so to speak.

You're unique, so be unique.

Many of these baiting introductions further stigmatize the polyam community and those seeking connections.

It makes it appear like someone's polyamory is being performed out of financial necessity or a business transaction versus interest in genuine connection.

(alt text on slide eight: vector style illustration of a brown-skinned masculine figure with shaggy black short hair. they are wearing a black scoop neck shirt under a pink unbuttoned shirt with yellow pants. their hands are in their pocket, and they have a speech bubble beside them that says: "I am looking to connect with polyamrous people who are fiscally responsible or business-oriented.")

This is a lot less pyramid-scheme-ish.

You can clarify that financial literacy and growth are essential to your long-term goals.

Why Change the Rhetoric?

...because it helps the community recognize the difference between those seeking intimate connections and those looking for financial help, business partners, and roommates.

Opening up with this can be seen as a faux pas and can incur the wrath of people who think you are trying to unicorn hunt.

Also, it may attract the attention of precisely who you are not looking for - someone who wants financial help in exchange for romantic interaction.

Your words have meaning.

10 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


Post: Blog2_Post
bottom of page