What's Yours Is Mine - IG Post

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the toxic polyamory series


Every community has a culture. The polyamorous community is not exempt from toxic behavior. A lot of the time when polyamory is toxic, it is rooted in unlearned toxic monogamous behaviors. However, there are times when the malignant behaviors are purely polyamorous in nature. Being able to recognize these pitfalls will make it easier to avoid it in your polycule and yourself.


What's Yours Is Mine

These are your habitual line-steppers in terms of access to other people and other people's "stuff". This is not to be confused with someone who did not get the memo of boundaries and does not have ill-intent when they made the mistake. The toxic polyamorous concept of "what's yours is mine" usually creeps its way into dating metas, personal items, and important days.


[image] Black woman with a shaven head, blue tube top dress and thigh high boots standing with a distressed look. White queer person with brown short hair, black beret hat, cream scarf, black long sleeve v-neck, cream dress pants and brown dress shoes on one knee adjusting the boots and dress of the Black woman. Black woman is saying: "I don't think this is appropriate" / White queer person is responding: "let me just fix this up...and no, it's fine. i'm your partner by proxy."


A person who uses this practice will be the type of person who will attempt to date their metamour without clearing up if this is a "no-no" in the polycule. They will say their partner is being unethical if the partner has issues with them reaching out for an intimate relationship with a metamour. This is a form of manipulation to guilt or shame someone into agreeing with something that makes them uncomfortable.


Once again the focus is on " what belongs to you, automatically belongs to me." This person will feel more comfortable overstepping people's comfort zones and established boundaries. They use the guise of polyamory being inclusive and blur the lines of acceptable and appropriate intimacy. This is not okay. your partner's partners are not yours by default. they aren't a "bad" person if they don't feel comfortable "sharing".


[image] Two feminine presenting people are standing in from of a sale sign that says "Hot Sale". The Asian feminine presenting person has a bob cut with black hair and is wearing a light blue long sleeve crop top and an orange jean skirt with blue clogs. The Black feminine presenting person is wearing a dark purple collared short sleeve crop top with a pink & gray high-waisted skater skirt and gray shoes. The Asian feminine presenting person is exclaiming "Great, they are having a sale. you can buy your own designer shoes!" Their counterpart responds, "Why would I do that when I can just wear your designer shoes?"


Another way this manifests is in taking personal items, money, any other resources from partners and others in the polycule. Once again, there is a lean towards people being "unethical" or "not really poly-" if they do not want to share what belongs to them. Sharing resources is fine - with the uncoerced consent of those around you. it should not be assumed that because you are in a polycule - you must share.


[image] Two lesbian women are sitting at a dining room table chatting over coffee. The Black woman has a long high ponytail that is brown with blonde highlights - she is wearing and orange short sleeved shirt, a tan skirt, and orange bedroom slippers. The White woman has a short black asymmetrical haircut - she is wearing a pink long sleeved shirt, brown pants, and pink bedroom slippers. The White partner is explaining to her partner: "Yeah, I don't like the idea of your partner joining us for our wedding anniversary..."


Occasionally this behavior will stretch into important days unique to a specific person or relationship. Sure, if everyone consents - go for it. However, a manipulator - they will invite themselves to these intimate dates off the premise of "we are together so there is nothing private". Of course there are some things that are private - and that's okay. polyamory doesn't mean exclusion of privacy.

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